i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
