I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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