I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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