You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
