so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
