It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
