At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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