I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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