eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We left the knife in your bed.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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