I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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