Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
