shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize