no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
