Me too!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
