it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
