My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
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