I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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