If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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