I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
