cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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