I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
