I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
