I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
