so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
