When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
