so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
