We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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