I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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