Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
