Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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