it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
