Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
