i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
