Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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