Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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