Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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