I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
