There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
