how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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