his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
