I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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