I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize