38 yer olds are good kisserssss
we made out on top of his cat.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
