my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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