I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
