You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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