im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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