Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am midnight drunk by noon
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
