I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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