that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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