I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
