we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
