didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
