You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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