I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He passed out mid-signature
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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