if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
