Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
