maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
