I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Randomize
