Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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