Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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