and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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