the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
