out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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