I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
