well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
