just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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