like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize