I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Operation Purity has been aborted
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
