he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think people are normalizing furries
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
