Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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